Forty years of marriage and one common cliché. Whatever synonyms are used, a woman’s value in the Indian marriage market is still measured by her color. Boys’ parents have become mostly tolerant of girls working, referring to their desired profession, and there’s also the addendum, “no caste restrictions.” But brides still need to be fair-skinned and fulfil all the traditional criteria for beauty.
Subhasini Komeswaran from Chennai was nicknamed “Kurpi” (black) and was the laughing stock of her childhood. Though prospective spouses described her as “wheat”, her father was so worried about her not finding a suitable match that he even bought a property in her name as an incentive. To relieve his stress, Komeswaran said yes to the first proposal that came her way. “Thankfully, my marriage went well, but I will not let the same thing happen to my daughter. She is a qualified keyboard player, very intelligent and has a good position in her job. But if any prospective groom is worried that she may be as dark and short as me, then I can only say that we are looking for a boy with lofty ideas.”
We are far from an equal society, says Ashita Agarwal, a marketing professor at the SP Jain Institute of Management, Mumbai. “Gender roles are still clearly defined. A bride-to-be’s parents want a well-educated man with a degree, who is well-paid, and settled, while a groom-to-be’s parents want a fair, slim, beautiful and well-educated woman. We have learnt to camouflage our prejudices, but our deepest feelings have not changed much,” Agarwal says.
Agarwal teamed up with advertising guru and brand coach Ambi Parameswaran to study nearly 2,000 matrimonial ads spanning 15 years (2003-2018) to track the changing social trends in the marriage market. “India remains a country of ‘arranged marriages’. 93% of marriages here are arranged,” Parameswaran said, adding that despite the proliferation of matrimonial websites and specialized marriage consultancy services, newspaper matrimonial ads remain the go-to for the majority of people. Indian matchmaking has also been popularised globally by a TV series of the same name. But the metrics remain the same.
A December 2020 survey by Hansa Research of more than 1,000 young single women across 17 Indian cities found that nine in 10 feel judged and rejected because of their appearance during the marriage search process. “Unfortunately, in India, grooms are still seen as a marketable resource and brides as an expense,” says Parameswaran, which means physical imperfections are more noticeable, especially for women.
Sudarshana Ghosh from Kolkata recalls how her marriage proposals were rejected time and time again because she was short and overweight. She wants to spare her daughter such humiliation. “My daughter is a media professional and loves reading. I can tell you 100 things about her likes and dislikes, but if you ask me if she is tall and skinny, has doe-like eyes and dark, lush hair, I can’t answer that, because then you will be looking for a product, not a life partner. She is my daughter. I won’t let her add to cart,” she says.
The “bride hunt” will continue as long as there is marriage, says Malarika Sinha Roy, a sociologist who teaches at Janata National University. “Mothers of the bride and groom should be open about their daughters’ and sons’ marriage choices and help them respect the people they will be living with as they grow up,” she adds. Roy says that in small town and rural India, people still cling to looks and traditional notions of beauty when it comes to finding the right match. Agarwal argues that while professional achievements may be a conversation starter, in most cases looks also matter.
Beauty brand Dove has partnered with TOI to transform traditional wedding announcements, which promote outdated beauty standards, into empowering ‘Mothermonials’ that encourage society to look beyond stereotypes for brides. Using the right AI prompts, the Dove Mothermonial platform encourages mothers to write customised wedding announcements based on comprehensive insights into their daughters’ personalities, preferences, achievements and ambitions. This will not only benefit future brides but also help grooms find a meaningful match based on compatibility and shared values.
