Downward angle icon Downward angle icon. Gen Z prioritizes authenticity and true connections, and is increasingly dating sober. Lourdes Balduque/Getty Images Gen Z prioritizes health and authenticity over alcohol, and is embracing sober dating. They drink less than millennials, and they see the benefits of being curious about the sober life. Experts say sober dating fosters authentic connections, which means a lot to Gen Z.
For many people, dating is not only synonymous with drinking, but also unthinkable without it.
But young people are changing that: Gen Z is gaining a reputation as a conscientious, inquisitive generation that prioritizes health, happiness, and honesty when it comes to finding a partner.
Gen Z seems less interested in drinking alcohol. Statista reports that about 18% of Americans under the legal drinking age of 28 drink alcohol regularly. For millennials, that figure is closer to 30%.
Ryan Mears, 28, a “first-generation” man on the border between millennials and Gen Z, has noticed the change. He’s been sober for 10 months, and told Business Insider that the period has been “a bit of a roller coaster.”
Mears, a voice actor and mental health advocate, has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and says stepping away from drinking, drugs and partying has been a welcome change in her life.
But dating without alcohol was a learning curve.
He said one of the biggest challenges was figuring out who he was as a person without alcohol.
“On a date, I think I’ll start out slow and quiet and introverted, and then as I get more drunk I’ll become more extroverted,” he says. “Once the alcohol wears off I’ll go back to being the quiet guy.”
Mears said he wondered whether alcohol could make him a more confident person, but over time he realized it could.
The more regularly you date sober, “the more comfortable you get with it and the more confident and comfortable you become,” Mears says. “I understand why some people might be hesitant to try it or experience it, but for me it’s always been a positive.”
Ryan Mears has been sober for 10 months. Ryan Mears
Generation interested in abstinence
Mears is one of many young people who are reexamining their relationship with alcohol and how it has negatively affected their mental and physical health.
According to data from Statista, Gen Z drinks less frequently than millennials, they also spend the least on alcohol, and are the fastest growing non-alcoholic beverage buyers.
In a recent survey by DatingNews.com, 65% of millennial and Gen Z respondents said they prefer a “dry” first date, meaning that even if this generation as a whole doesn’t drink to a T total, they still appreciate the idea that alcohol won’t be involved in their love lives from the get-go.
Kate Daly, relationship expert and co-founder of online divorce services company Amicable, told BI that Gen Z is more health conscious than previous generations.
Gen Z values transparency and honesty, but also recognises that alcohol can have harmful social effects, she added.
“Dating without alcohol means you can show your true self,” Daly says, “and have deeper, more meaningful conversations instead of superficial, flippant conversations.”
Daly said Zoomers are also a results-driven generation, and sober dating means there are no pretense or conflicting messages.
“You tend to be more honest, open and forthright,” she said, “and I think that’s really important to building an authentic connection.”
Justin Benanti, chief community officer at sober social platform Dry Baby, told BI that life for Gen Z is especially expensive for the stage they’re at.
“They’re a generation that’s really health-conscious, but they’re also financially constrained,” she says. “More and more people are sending Venmo after dates because it’s so expensive.”
Going alcohol-free isn’t just good for budgeting, it also plays into Gen Z’s core value of authenticity, Benanti said.
“They’re a generation that really cares deeply about who they are,” she said.
Build self-confidence
Looking back, Mears thinks using alcohol as a buffer during dates was a form of coping mechanism.
He says dates can be stressful, but drinking alcohol usually helps ease the tension.
“But you might not be your authentic self,” Mears says, “while being sober allows you to naturally show how comfortable you are around that person.”
He said that after a few drinks, people can trick themselves into thinking they’re attracted to someone, but this is just a waste of time for everyone, since it postpones the inevitable.
In comparison, Mears can now see herself being attracted to someone, and that has really helped her build intimacy.
“It was kind of weird for me how much better the sex was compared to a drunken one-night stand,” he says. “If you’re not drinking on a date, and you get to that stage with someone, it’s not something that’s covered up by alcohol.”
The woes of dating apps
Jessie Arbuter, 25, has been sober since she was 19 and is the founder of Club Pillar, a sober dating platform that launches this summer.
Arvatar saw a need for an app for people who don’t drink, are curious about drinking, or only drink small amounts.
“I struggled with traditional mass dating apps because of stigma, dating people who didn’t fit my lifestyle and having to reveal too much about why I was sober too early in the conversation,” Arvatar said.
“Modern dating is a danger zone enough without treating drinking as a roadblock.”
Club Pillar founder Jesse Arvater has been sober since he was 19. Jesse Arvater
Arvatar said he wants to create a community of people who aren’t necessarily looking for a completely sober partner, but who want to date someone whose sole focus isn’t on when they’re going to have their next drink or go to a party.
“Club Pillar caters to everyone who’s sober: light drinkers, California sobers, recovering, sober curious, T-Totallers,” she says. “You can do everything you do when you’re sober, except you’re not drinking alcohol.”
Drunk people feel sick
Arvatar believes growing awareness about mental health and the negative effects of excessive drinking is a big factor in Gen Z’s interest in drinking alcohol.
“Many people are aware that alcohol can worsen anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses,” she says.
Mears agreed that this was a big part of his decision – for him, drinking was “like adding fuel to the fire”.
Mr Mears said that although he still feels criticised at times, perceptions about drinking may be changing.
“Some of the girls I spoke to said they found it a bit gross to see a drunk man staggering around and falling and spilling his kebab,” Mears said.
“Sometimes I miss the fun and antics,” he added, “but this is the best thing for me as I move forward with this next chapter in my life.”
